I'm Not a Hater Stalker

Writer's Block: Tinsel town

Tue, 01 Dec 2009 20:47:33 GMT

Do you put up decorations for the holidays? If so, when do the decorations go up and when do you take them down?

I do not.

My boyfriend put up enough for four families.

I have, surprisingly, gotten used to it. Even the clock that chimes holiday music on the hour.

Writer's Block: Twilight becomes you

Mon, 23 Nov 2009 00:26:15 GMT

Have you seen New Moon? If so, how do you think it compared to the book? Was it better or worse than Twilight? Please, no spoilers!

View 1249 Answers

I'm still upset that Stephanie Meyer was a whole Jeopardy category.

Bella's 19 and never dated. What the HELL does she know about true love?

And vampires don't sparkle.

So there.

Movies with Andee and Emily (to be amended regularly)

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 08:42:28 GMT

October 25, 2009: Crossroads
October 24, 2009: Parenthood
October 23, 2009: Modern Problems
October 23, 2009: Drop Dead Fred
October 18, 2009: Yellowbeard
October 17, 2009: South Park: Bigger Longer & Uncut
October 17, 2009: My Blue Heaven
October 17, 2009: The Nightmare before Christmas
October 16, 2009: 1941
October 16, 2009: Johnny Thunders: Live in Cold Blood
October 15, 2009: Four Rooms
October 15, 2009: Strange Frequency
October 13, 2009: Scavenger Hunt
October 11, 2009: Blazing Saddles
October 10, 2009: The Raven
October 9, 2008: Wall-e
October 9, 2008: The Haunted World of Edward D. Wood Jr
October 6, 2009: The Lion King 1½
October 4, 2009: Robin and the 7 Hoods
October 3, 2009: Oscar
October 2, 2009: Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
September 29, 2009: Carwash
September 29, 2009: The Pirate

Still Smoking (Cheech and Chong)
Labyrinth
The Hunger
Videodrome
Tales from the Dark Side
Sweeny Todd
The Great Escape
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Absolute Beginners
Bella Mafia
Cry Baby
The Point
Still Crazy
Roadie
Times Square
Mighty Wind
Mafia
Party Monster
Return of Spinal Tap
Reefer Madness
Kids are Alright
Tunnel Vision
Grifters
Really Rosie
Rock 'n' Roll High School
Blues Brothers 2000
Lisztomania

Does Humor Belong in Music? Frank Zappa Live
Pure 80's DVD: Totally New Wave
Red Hot + Blue: A Tribute To Cole Porter
Lou Reed - Live at Montreux, 2000
Alice Cooper: Live at Montreux, 2005
T. Rex: Born To Boogie
Stephen Lynch - Live at The El Rey
Morrisey Presents The Return of The New York Dolls - Live from Royal Albert Hall 2004
Stephen Lynch: Live at the El Rey
Cat Stevens: Tea for the Tillerman Live - a Classic Concert
Born to Boogie

Movies with Andee (to be amended regularly)

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 05:40:33 GMT

October 13, 2009: Scavenger Hunt
October 11, 2009: Blazing Saddles
October 10, 2009: The Raven
October 9, 2008: Wall-e
October 9, 2008: The Haunted World of Edward D. Wood Jr
October 6, 2009: The Lion King 1½
October 4, 2009: Robin and the 7 Hoods
October 3, 2009: Oscar
October 2, 2009: Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
September 29, 2009: Carwash
September 29, 2009: The Pirate

Labyrinth
The Hunger
Videodrome
Tales from the Dark Side
Sweeny Todd
The Great Escape
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Absolute Beginners
Bella Mafia
Cry Baby
The Point
Still Crazy
Roadie
Times Square
Mighty Wind
Mafia
Party Monster
Return of Spinal Tap
Reefer Madness
Kids are Alright
Tunnel Vision
Grifters

Does Humor Belong in Music? Frank Zappa Live
Pure 80's DVD: Totally New Wave
Red Hot + Blue: A Tribute To Cole Porter
Lou Reed - Live at Montreux, 2000
Alice Cooper: Live at Montreux, 2005
T. Rex: Born To Boogie
Stephen Lynch - Live at The El Rey
Morrisey Presents The Return of The New York Dolls - Live from Royal Albert Hall 2004

Movies with Andee (to be amended regularly)

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 02:38:35 GMT

October 11, 2009: Blazing Saddles
October 10, 2009: The Raven
October 9, 2008: Wall-e
October 9, 2008: The Haunted World of Edward D. Wood Jr
October 6, 2009: The Lion King 1½
October 4, 2009: Robin and the 7 Hoods
October 3, 2009: Oscar
October 2, 2009: Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
September 29, 2009: Carwash
September 29, 2009: The Pirate

Labyrinth
The Hunger
Videodrome
Tales from the Dark Side
Sweeny Todd
The Great Escape
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Absolute Beginners
Bella Mafia
Cry Baby
The Point
Still Crazy
Roadie
Times Square
Mighty Wind
Mafia
Party Monster
Return of Spinal Tap
Reefer Madness
Kids are Alright
Tunnel Vision
Grifters

Does Humor Belong in Music? Frank Zappa Live
Pure 80's DVD: Totally New Wave
Red Hot + Blue: A Tribute To Cole Porter
Lou Reed - Live at Montreux, 2000
Alice Cooper: Live at Montreux, 2005
T. Rex: Born To Boogie
Stephen Lynch - Live at The El Rey
Morrisey Presents The Return of The New York Dolls - Live from Royal Albert Hall 2004

Via Cynthia

Thu, 27 Aug 2009 16:35:06 GMT

1. Can you fill this out without lying?
i don't lie

2. What was the last thing you put in your mouth?
Coffee

3. Have you ever kissed anyone named Matthew?
No Matthew....

4. Where was your profile picture taken?
Outside Zee's

5.Can you play guitar hero?
never tried

6. Name someone that made you laugh today?
the junkie up the street said i look beautiful - i just crawled out of bed

7. How late did you stay up last night and why?
2300

8.If you could move somewhere else, would you?
yep

9. Ever been kissed under fireworks?
yes but i hate that guy now

10.Which of your friends lives closest to you?
Melissa up the street - five houses away

11. Do you believe ex's can be friends?
not yet

12. How do you feel about Dr Pepper?
It's drinkable

13. When was the last time you cried really hard?
Can't remember - I've become cold and hard

14. Where are you right now?
bed but i need to get my ass in gear - but the Gentleman Caller is online so ...

15. What bed did you sleep in last night?
alas, my own

16. What was the last thing someone bought for you?
Andee got Sally's Apizza on Sunday <3

17. Who took your profile picture?
One of Donna's friends

18. Who was the last person you took a picture of?
the Miss Tattoo pagent

19.Was yesterday better than today?
had dinner with Cindy and Ian - can't beat it

20. Can you live a day without TV?
Sure

21. Are you mad about anything?
often. Have you met my brother in law?

22. Are you upset about anything?
money and health

23. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it?
you better believe it

24. Are you a bad influence?
depends on who you ask

25. Night out or night in?
depends on with whom

26. What items could you not go without during the day?
coffee and my cell phone; i'd also prefer clean clothes and a shower

27. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital?
Daddy

28. What does the last text message in your inbox say?
jennifer asking about the block party

29. How do you feel about your life right now?
surprisingly happy

30. Do you hate anyone?
See #21

31. If we were to look in your facebook inbox, what would we find?
discussion of Ted Kennedy

32. Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass?
with flying colors

33. Has anyone ever called you perfect before?
I can be a perfect idiot

34. What song is stuck in your head?
Billion Dollar Babies - Ian sang it to me

35. Someone knocks on your window at 2am, who do you want it to be?
the police or Andee

36. Wanna have grandkids before you’re 50?
I'm spayed

37. Name something you have to do tomorrow?
I WANT to see Andee

38. Do you think too much or too little?
can't focus amidst my thoughts

39. Do you smile a lot?
no

40. Who was your last missed call on your cell phone?
reminder about tonight's SSDI support meeting

41. Is there something you always wear?
underwear, med alert bracelet

42. What were you doing 30 minutes ago
at the Bookmobile

43. Did you have an exciting last weekend?
it was lovely

44. Have you ever crawled through a window?
no

45. Have you ever dyed your hair?
Yep

46. Are you wearing a necklace / Chain?
not today

47. Are you an emotional person?
overly

48. What is something that can always make you feel better?
a message from the Gentleman Caller

49. Will this weekend be a good one?
almost certainly

50. What do you want right now?
plans for Saturday when the Gentleman Caller may meet my Mommy

51. Have you ever worn the opposite gender's clothing?
sure - see #41

52. Have you ever worked in a food place?
briefly

53.What's on your schedule for tomorrow?
Hope to see Andee

54. Does anyone know your facebook password?
no but I know my Sissa's

No tags - do it if you want but, if you do, let me know

AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE SHORT CHAPTERS

Wed, 05 Aug 2009 21:34:12 GMT

AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE SHORT CHAPTERS

by Portia Nelson

I

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost ... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.

II

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place
but, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit.
my eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

IV

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

V

I walk down another street.

Tr Meme

Wed, 05 Aug 2009 21:31:34 GMT

Via my bloggin' mom, on the “A Place of My Own” venue. It's scary how many of my answers match my mom...

Not tagging anyone but let me know if you do it.

Here’s what you’re supposed to do: Create a new note or page or whatever way you want to do it. Copy and paste this message, delete my answers and type in yours. I tag no one, as you know. The theory is that you will learn a lot of little known things about your friends and family. Have FUN!

Can you fill this out without lying?
I think so.
What was the last thing you put in your mouth?
Iced tea. Peach.
Who was your last text message from?
Scott
Where was your default picture taken?
Outside Z's Corner Cafe
Last person you rode in a car with under the age of 20?
Samantha
Name someone that made you laugh today?
Nothing
How late did you stay up last night and why?
It has been a little taxing. I was asleep by ten last night.
If you could move somewhere else, would you?
Yep
Ever been kissed under fireworks?
Once
Which of your FB friends lives closest to you?
Mom, across the hall. Next closest are Andrew or Kari.
Do you believe exes can be friends?
Probably some of them can but not all. None of mine.
Calling or texting?
Calling. Txting hurts my hands a lot. HINT HINT
How do you feel about Dr. Pepper?
It’s all right, as an occasional change from cola. But most restaurants don’t stock the kind without sugar.
When was the last time you cried really hard?
I don’t think that is something I can share.
Where is your biological father right now?
In a nursing home, which he completely needs.
Where are you at right now?
Where I usually am, at home in front of my computer.
Whose bed did you sleep in last night?
I sleep in my bed.
What was the last thing someone bought for you?
Mom took care of some stuff for me. Donna bought me a beer on Sunday.
Who took your profile picture?
Donna's husband
Was yesterday better than today?
Hard to say
Can you live a day without TV?
Give me a computer and a book or two…
Are you mad about anything?
Do you mean angry? Not particularly. Do you mean mad like crazy? I'm going slightly mad...
Do you think relationships are really worth it?
Most of them are.Friendships most definitely
When was the last time you were extremely disappointed and why?
That my dad was short one Father's Day card. Again.
Are you a bad influence?
Not only am I a good influence in most cases (there might be an exception, I suppose); I also teach others to be good influences.I miss being a bad influence. Donna is a bad influence!
Night out or night in?
Mostly in.Alas.
What items could you not go without during the day?
Oxygen, food, water… and a bathroom! I think for anything else, I can manage. I'd prefer books.
Would you share a drink with a stranger?
Where? What kind of stranger? What kind of drink? I might — if my instincts told me s/he was okay. I will buy a water for someone on a hot day.
Who was the last person you visited in the hospital?
My dad, who has been in hospital or nursing home for the past three weeks.
What does the last text message in your inbox say?
It's personal from Jennifer
How do you feel about your life right now?
Ennui is a good noun.
How many times have you been pulled over by the police?
Only once.
Do you hate anyone?
Hatred hurts the person who hates more than his/her target. Not liking is something else again, but you can manage that. I hate only one person because he made my parents really upset.
If we were to look in your inbox, what would we find?
You won't. It's MY inbox.
Can you easily tell if someone's fake?
Not easily. I want to believe people are good, even though I know so many who are not.
Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass?
If I could show my medalert bracelet first, I'd be cool.
Has anyone ever called you perfect before?
Yep. damn fools.
What song is stuck in your head?
none this moment thank goodness
Someone knocks on your window at 2 AM, who do you want it to be?
Someone on a Harley
Wanna have kids before you're 30?
I've been spayed
Name something you have to do today?
I tanned and went to Edge of the Woods and Shop Rite. And started a load of laundry... I guess I need to fold it
Can you whistle?
Poorly
Do you sleep on your side, stomach, or back?
side
Do you think too much or too little?
Way too much'
Do you smile a lot?
I try to. Sometimes I forget.
Can you handle the truth?
Usually not
What was the last book you read?
The Last Thing I Remember
Is there something you always wear?
My MedAlert bracelet
What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
Reading my mom's version
Honestly, who was the last person to tell you that they love you?
I think my dad mumbled it but it could have been gas
Have you ever dyed your hair?
Yes.
Are you wearing a necklace?
Not this minute
What's something that can always make you feel better?
Ice cream. If that doesn’t work, I’m in bad shape.
Will this weekend be a good one?
Probably not
What do you want right now?
To finish what I’ve started.
Have you ever worn the opposite sex's clothing?
I wear men's underwear. Longer lasting, cheaper, and who's gonna see
Look behind you, what do you see?
My headboard
Have you ever worked in a food place?
Burger King. Lasted three weeks
What would you name your future daughter?
N/A
What are your summer plans for 2009?
Survival
Does anyone know your FB password?
Nope. But I know others'
Would you like some cake?
Cake? Not particularly? How about some pastry?
Did you lie in this quiz?
Of course not. This is the Truth Meme.

Support for a True Warrior: by Roland Murphy

Sat, 01 Aug 2009 15:20:50 GMT

Most people who know me personally know about my admiration for Andrew Vachss. He's a lawyer who dedicated his practice solely to working for abused children, and who has advocated for stronger punishments for child abusers and rapists, along with improved support systems for victims for 40 years.

Andrew was instrumental in getting The National Association to PROTECT Children off the ground and serves as a senior advisor. PROTECT (www.PROTECT.org) is the first lobbying organization exclusively dedicated to strengthening legal protections for abused children and has mounted several campaigns across the country to repeal states' incest exemptions for child rape, among other issues.

Mr. Vachss is also an author. He created the Burke series of mystery novels both to educate the public about the real horrors of child abuse and rape and also as a means to fund his child protection efforts, since his practice quite obviously can't pay him much of a wage.

Last year he ended the Burke novels, as he felt the storyline had reached its natural conclusion. That doesn't mean he's stopped writing novels. His new novel, Haiku, is being released on November 3.

However, his publishing house realizes that ending a best-selling series and going in a new direction is a financial risk. They could count on a guaranteed number of sales from a Burke book, since it was a brand. There's no such guarantee from a stand-alone. As a result and to minimize their exposure, they aren't going promote the book. No book tour, etc.

It's also a likelihood that if the book doesn't sell beyond a given threshold, they may drop him from their roster.

So, what does this mean? It means if you're already a fan, you should go to Amazon and pre-order it. If you're not a fan, but know someone who likes mystery as a genre or has read Mr. Vachss' other books, you should go to Amazon and pre-order it as a gift. If you're not a fan, don't know anyone and don't think you'd enjoy the book, yourself, you should go to Amazon and pre-order it as a way to help out in the fight against child abuse then donate it to a library or charitable book drive. You might even get a deduction from it.

You can also help by spreading the word on your own pages.

You can pre-order from here: http://www.amazon.com/Haiku-Novel-Andrew-Vachss/dp/0307378497/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1240448677&sr=8-1

p.s. If you really want to support the amazing law-changing work that's being done, take a look at http://www.PROTECT.org. Roland and I have been card-carrying members for years.

firefly (not the kermit the frog/tony bennet song)

Mon, 13 Jul 2009 02:08:27 GMT

We just came home from shiva.

My cousin Jon told me that his wife, Revi, and he believe that the soul flits around for a year after the body's death before the soul settles into resurrection.

Outside their parents', outside Larry's parents', house, I saw fireflies for the first time in years.

Larry Bellin

Thu, 09 Jul 2009 13:09:18 GMT

My cousin Larry died Monday. He was 37, my little brother's age. I think it was a respiration problem gone horribly awry. My cousin Liz emailed me to make sure that my family knew.

I went to the funeral. My dad was in daycare, and my mom stayed home because someone has to be there to open the door to let him in when he gets out. (He can't be left home alone.) Because my family is Orthodox, out of respect I wore long sleeves to cover my tattoos. It was a gorgeous, sunny day, and I was uncomfortable, but I figure that his parents were way more miserable, and I survived.

Larry and I had drifted apart, but we used to stay in touch by phone. His parents and brother, my cousin Jon, made sure to tell me that Larry loved me.

Before the service, I knelt in front of my cousin, Tami, Larry's mom. She was surrounded by people, but I hoped I could add comfort. I managed to distract her: my dad was orphaned very early (infant?) and Tami is the one who told me my medical history. I got to tell her that, when I was in the hospital in May, I told the doctors that I wouldn't be able to be so thorough if it weren't for my cousin Tami. That made her happy.

Her husband, Ed, Larry's dad, whom I'd met three times, maybe, threw his arms around me and thanked me for being there. Ed has a knack for making people feel good, and welcomed, even when he was mourning outliving his child.

The rabbi broke down during the eulogy. I didn't know that Larry was frum, but he was known as "the one who took his father to Chabad."

At least fifty people showed up - not bad considering that Jewish people bury immediately, and word has to get out quickly. Jon's wife flew in from Israel, a twelve hour flight, and made it to the grave side early. Her cousin made it from California.

I went back to the house for shiva. Believe me: I didn't want to. I don't want to believe that my vibrant cousin is dead. However, shiva is for the family, and it's a mitzvah to go, obviously. Tami and I talked more about my medical problems, but she wouldn't let go of my hand. It really hurt, but I figure that Tami was hurting more. Seriously, I managed to distract her, and I was glad I sat there.

Tami also told me more about my heritage, too. The information I lost out on because I didn't have a grandmother to tell me.

I talked to Revi, Jon's wife, for a bit. I told her what I was thinking as I drove to the Bellins' home. The only people who showed up for the funeral were people who either loved Larry, or who loved his family and wanted to support them. No one needed a ticket to mourn. There were no musicians or people looking for a moment in the spotlight; Larry was simply eulogized by a rabbi who knew him, and by his father. Just a thought.

I'm still crying - it's the first time in a long time that I've cried, whether I need to or not - and I need to get in the shower - but I wanted to write about Larry for a little bit. This weekend, if my dad is lucid, I'll take him for shiva.

Bye, Larry. I should have kept in touch, and I'll try to act more like you to keep your memory alive.

notes to self

Thu, 25 Jun 2009 01:44:26 GMT

By some lucky coincidence, a very nice Social Security lawyer just took my case.

Until one of my sister's friends directed me to her blog, I had no idea that my dad's favorite dinner is spaghetti and meatballs. (I thought it was meatloaf; my TVP loaf tanked. but whatever) Unknown to me, I made a vegan marinara sauce with texturized vegetable protein chunks and he was VERY happy. Who knew?

I'm mostly packed to see Sworn Enemy on Thursday and Friday. Basically, I need camera and batteries, GPS, power bars, and clean underwear. I pack light. (Floyd the Laptop's sitting out this one.)

I am very pissed that this entry shall now be cut short because my fingers ache from typing "so much."

Good luck with Christian C's surgery!

Currently reading:
In This Way I Was Saved: A Novel
By Brian DeLeeuw

I'm alive: alert

Tue, 23 Jun 2009 01:31:55 GMT

I actually went out saturday night
- the bar fight wasn't my fault. i fucking got elbowed in the face and don't appreciate the bitch in front of me insisting that i was starting drama when i began with "excuse me, but..."
- saw someone who made me sad. i guess therapy worked; i quietly excused myself from my friends and walked out into the mist. (the mile long stroll home only took 17min. my speed's down but i did have blisters)
guess who didn't call her father on father's day.
$15 jeans rock even if they're generics
saw my babygirl today. made her a ringtone for my phone. she reminds me a lot of my sista
thursday: pro-pain & sworn enemy at the webster
thursday night: priceline rocks
friday night: pro-pain & sworn enemy at the palladium
- my pam may join me at the palladium!!!

i do not expect to have much of a life again this year. i will probably go to sleep early on july 4

Follow-up to yesterday's post

Tue, 02 Jun 2009 16:26:51 GMT

Thanks, Mom. (btw it's her birthday - share the love)

Defending myself: bio sister + Cristina

Mon, 01 Jun 2009 17:46:57 GMT

I'm utterly sickened.

Before reading, please keep in mind: "Cristina" was the 437th most common name out of 4275, according to the United States Census Bureau. I could be talking about ANY Cristina, here.

I was friends with a woman named Cristina before she went ballistic. She then [in a HIPAA violation] contacted the biological sister with whom I have not spoken since the summer of 2001 (because she took the side of her husband, who stole from my parents' retirement money). *S*, the bio-sister, claims to be brilliant but she's stupid if she thinks that that conversation stayed private and that it didn't make its rounds in cyberspace!.

Unfortunately, I cannot drop this: Cristina has also contacted some of our two dozen or so mutual friends and, it seems, says that I threatened them/you. If you have heard from her, would you please let me know.

For the record:

I have never been required to go to therapy for a job, nor has my family ever required me to go to therapy. My insurance hasn't covered my therapists; I've paid out of pocket. THEREFORE despite what *S* has said:

I don't lie to my therapists; what's the point if it's only for my treatment?
If I don't like what a therapist says, I'll argue and either concede or dissent. I don't switch shrinks. (I *DID* switch about 18 months ago; I didn't like that the doctor said my pain is "dramatic." The most recent doctor believes that chronic pain is actually a big part of why I've got depression.)
I do not "scare away" *S*'s friends; her husband has. Hell, the only one of our old mutual friends with whom I don't speak is one who shit-talked *S* (and I went to her defense like an idiot).
Despite what she has blogged, she never had to suffer because my mom said that she had to give in to me. (it was the other way around; she was the good kid. However, I got over it.) She must worship Jan Brady.
If I hear one more time that *S* doesn't have clinical depression, that she doesn't need serious treatment, that her problem is that she's psychic and picking up other people's bad vibes, I'll scream like I haven't screamed since I got into therapy.
*S* has no business putting my dad's problems up for sympathy. She didn't visit him the last three times he was in the hospital. "Oh, I could run into Rebekah" (when I was in Los Angeles for three days of the month he was in post-illness care). "Oh, I'm sick and subject to MRSAs." (So am I, and so am I.) It's not a contest. She should be there, though, if *S*'s going to use him as an excuse. (She does that a lot. She skipped her homework one night, but then told half the school how she couldn't do it because I was dramatically ill. Yeah, I WAS dramatically ill, but she'd already skipped the homework and gone to bed. She's also quoted "Go Ask Alice" with me being the protagonist.)

I hate blogging about this bitch's existence; I don't want to blog about the other psychotic (does she hear voices?); I don't want to blog about my therapy. None of this is not supposed to be anyone's business. Thanks a lot, little "sister."

This is why I chose JENNIFER to be my sister. She's blunt and sometimes crude, but she does not lie. Fuck sisterly DNA.

(our poor mom)

my mom's ok!

Wed, 06 May 2009 01:56:57 GMT

thanks everyone for all the good wishes for my mom. this family stands by "all prayers are welcome." i am tired - we had to be at st vincent's at 6am, which is an hour and a half before i usually WAKEN. most of this is from the email i sent to my favorite uncle and cousin.

after much coaxing and whining on my part, i talked everyone into putting my dad in respite care for the weekend. i just couldn't worry about two parents. mom IS an easy patient, but what if there were complications? besides, think of my bipolar! :D it means i have to get up early tomorrow, to sign him out of respite and into daycare, before work, but having a break tonight was good. no pill dispensing, no dinner delivery service. and since we could leave the house without worrying about my dad getting hurt, on sunday, i took my mom and aunt to visit my cousins in farmington. it was an awesome, though tiring day.

btw: my mom and brother, and uncle and cousin (but not i, nor my aunt marcia) have a condition called HHT or Osler-Weber-Rendu Syndrome. it's inherited, and it affects the blood vessels "A person with HHT has a tendency to form blood vessels that lack the capillaries between an artery and vein. " (it's not a "blood disease" - it only affects the blood because the weakened vessels break, and aforementioned blood leaks out.) "We usually call a blood vessel that is abnormal in this way a telangiectasia (tel-AN-jee-eck-TAZE-ee-ya)" - that's from the web site. i always forget the word and cite "mom's televisions in her nose." i confuse everyone but my mom, and it's my mom who needs to know what i'm talking about, so...

all went well. we arrived at the hospital before even the valet parkers! and they took her very early. the nurses and anesthesiologists were really good about explaining. mom's doctor, dr ross (not the one from ER) stopped in to talk to both of us before they took her away. they gave me a beeper "like chili's" to let me know when she'd be done, especially since i had to leave the hospital grounds to smoke. (it's fine with me; it's a hospital. i went to the street, which isn't owned by the hospital. i also picked up my butts. you wouldn't believe how many butts there were on grounds covered with NO SMOKING signs every few feet. well, MINE are in the trash.)

dr ross didn't even page me; he came right into the lobby, his hair still in its "shower" cap. it was only an hour after they took her. (surgery was scheduled to take 1.25hr) everything went well. he lasered a bunch of those television things in my mom's nose, and she should be good for six months to a year. she was in recovery, waking up. he sent me out to smoke while i waited. i would have emailed and updated my, and her, Crackbook pages, but my laptop cable shit the bed right before i packed it, and my battery had died.

they paged me after i'd been back inside for a while, and i went into recovery. mom was drinking diet coke and was pretty happy, it seemed. she was more rested than i was! - she got to nap :D we were home well before noon, with no traffic.

i had more problems with the pharmacy (they didn't have the exact medication on the slip, and the hospital didn't call them back about a substitute - it's just an antibiotic cream and not pain meds, thank goodness) and the self-check for my groceries (hand scanner wasn't working, and i wound up going to an aisle with a person, and then holding up the whole damned aisle while i tried to unpack and walk out but kept being told "just a second" totally pissing off everyone behind me) than i did with getting my mom to the hospital at an ungodly hour. really. it was quite simple from this end.

mom has royal palace - i loaded up the fridge last night so we'd have soup and i wouldn't have to cook - and happily watched NCIS

my brother and i had been in touch all morning, and i called aunt marcia as soon as my mom was out of the OR. i'm still a bit annoyed that i couldn't let the immediate world know what's up, but well, laptop...

dr ross said that mom can come back in six weeks if she wants or if there's a problem, but otherwise there's no need to follow up. one nurse said that they have a patient who comes from massachusetts just to go to dr ross. i will definitely say that he was very personable, and very kind to come looking for me. (i kept ignoring the beeper because it didn't vibrate like my old 1990s pager and i was listening to garth brooks and then alice cooper on my sony walkman) i napped when i got home, awakening to a nightmare that i'd missed the beeper and that old lady candystripers were looking for me in the lobby.

my biggest worry right now is not my mom, but that i'd started making a kelly clarkson ringtone for my cousin anna, and i can't access it because my laptop won't boot. (there's a hack for getting free ringtones onto one's razr. i need to find it; it's on lifehacker i think. paying retail is just wrong.)

--
I want to believe that the world is just teeming with awesome people, but all of this is giving me great pause. I want to go back to cyberspace.
- Penelope Garcia, Criminal Minds
Episode: "House Afire"

official

Sun, 26 Apr 2009 20:04:09 GMT

It's officially the end of winter. I had my morning coffee and finished The Secret Life of Bees. ON THE FRONT STEPS. It was SUNNY!

I refilled my cup and went out with a bit of hand sewing and Metallica on the Sony Walkman. I wasn't out for fifteen minutes before Michael came up on his two wheel bike, followed by his sister Melissa. I swear, they were there for a good three-four hours; Michael went home for popsicles, and their mother came over when I asked Michael where he picked up some of his new vocabulary (first graders shouldn't be talking about humping) and Melissa thought it was so funny that she called their mom. My stoop is officially open for business!

My left hand is killing me now, probably from holding the fabric steady. I only got about a dozen inches sewn, but it's looking ok. (Yes, Dee, I'll post the finished product.) It seems too small to make it worth pulling out my machine, which isn't set up in a permanent place yet.

Yesterday rocked. My mom and I got our nails filled. I am not sure why Ness finds it so amusing, since I've only had acrylic nails for a few years, but whatever makes my Pam happy... anyway. ahem.

Then it was an Afternoon with Ian and Cindy, going through old photos, gossiping about boys, watching Ian play, having a lovely vegetarian polenta and spinach lunch, and then raiding Cindy's closet for her fat clothes (many of the ones I took are, alas, snug). Ten minutes at Joann's Fabrics waiting for some blue tulle to be cut, and out the door $1.87 later. The only thing that sucked was losing WQUN and, therefore, the Red Sox game!

Sam posted a piercing emergency on Crackbook, so at 9:30pm I was off to the rescue, grabbing a bottle of ibuprofen at Walgreens en route. Five seconds in the house turned into an hour and I only left because I was dying without my 10:00pm Lyrica. I didn't see Rich (across the street from Sam)'s car, although there were cars in front of his house, so I just went home and crashed. Being nice to people, even my friends, is EXHAUSTING!

My skin is sticking to itself and freaking me out. Now for a shower, an ice pack for my wrist, and another book.

How I crashed my husband's wedding

Thu, 23 Apr 2009 19:36:55 GMT

So I crashed my husband's wedding

My mom has been on my ass to write this since March 12, 2009, the day it happened. She actually started on me when I walked through the door.

Where do I begin? EXE? Dirk?

I read about the wedding on Facebook.The day before, I'd uploaded some photos I took when Shovelhead (Sid's band before he joined Sworn Enemy) opened for Bile (the band for whom Bear brilliantly plays keyboard). I tagged the hell out of the photos. One of Bear's friends, Valerie, saw the photos, thanked me for posting them, and added me to her Crackbook F-list.

I read on her page that Bear and his forever lover, David, were getting married the next day.

A few phone calls later, I got Bear on the phone. He was at the airport, getting David, and would call me back.

What to do? I put together an all-black outfit and waited by the phone.

The story goes back many many years (more than I want to say, given that doing so ages me). I was Hittman's groupie. Dirk, the singer, was the object of my desire. A long-haired, redheaded Irishman who looked like Bruce Dickinson but better, who sang like no one's business. YUM. Hair metal was only one of my favorite genres, so Dirk suggested that I get the EXE album. His best friend (Bear) was in the band and Dirk wanted him to be "a huge star."

I was hoping to meet Bear at the upcoming Alice Cooper concert. Covered in tattoos, back in the day, he really stood out in a crowd. I actually saw him in the huge New Haven Colliseum crowd - but the asshole I was with (Fredd, that was your roommate, Don) got into a fight with One-Eyed Joe, and by the time I'd pulled Don away, Bear was gone.

That's ok, there was always the phone. (and, since this was so long ago, there were accompanying long distance phone bills.)

Bear, heavily tattooed, and about as fucked up as I am, was my guru. This was before the days of BME. (Fine, I'll date myself. We're up to May, 1989.) I even called Bear when i got my first tattoo (Hittman's logo, of course). That was a great night. I went with Steve Nadile. (He pulled down my tube top - remember those? - when I got dizzy, but that was to be expected from Steve.)

There was the night we went for tea and then record shopping in the Village. We split up when we walked into the store, to look for different stuff. I got to the counter first, with my Dio and Culture club 45s, maybe some Queen and Neil Diamond too. The cashier looked at my booty, then looked at Bear, and said, "You must be with him."

So the years have passed. Love of Dirk as a sex object is a thing of history. (We never even kissed. I'm, uh, not his type.) I've gotten fat, gotten thin, gotten fat, gotten thin, gotten somewhere in between. I went from high school dropout to a fairly good senior secretary. I went from overweight-pain to unbelievably healthy to pain-not-related-to-my-fat-ass. I've gone from poverty to mid-upper-middle-class to slave-to-the-System-for-health-insurance. (The fuckers won't cover my pain medication any more. The fucking pharmaceutical company won't work with them. But that's another post for another day.)

Thrash, hardcore, and hair bands still own my heart, but I'll also happily listen to the Country station. I've gone from a plainskin to about 30% tattoo coverage. I've gone grey.

And I've grown closer to Bear over the years. We almost got married, you know.

I was working as the Senior Administrative Assistant to the Vice Chairman of Pathology in the Yale Medical School (the best Title I ever had!) and had amazing health insurance. (OH those were the days!) Bear desperately needed health insurance. I called him on my 17-cents-a-minute cell phone (having a Title did have its advantages!) and said that we should get married. He announced it to his family at the Thanksgiving dinner table.

I don't know why it fell through. I think we lost interest in the project. Anyway, he was the first man I almost married. (Even though we never hooked up, and I have received two engagement rings since, Bear was always my favorite. He's such a bitch.)

So. time has passed. Bear met David on my dad's birthday a thousand years ago. While I got dumped time and time again (and was the dump-er instead of the dumpee once), Bear and David persevered. They're absolutely wonderful together. David is a brilliant man. I know this because I typed his resume. He's got a big heart and really gives a damn about kids. I know this because I typed his resume.

Bear and David were planning to live in England this year. David got an amazing teaching opportunity.

Connecticut makes me proud; the people for whom I voted have made marriage between people who love each other LEGAL, never mind their genders.

Bear and David were back in the States; David had a conference on the West Coast.

Crossing the border from New York into Connecticut, into Greenwich, brought them halfway between their families.

The day after I put together my black outfit, Bear called me while I was at work. My poor boss had to listen to me bitch that I'd heard on Crackbook, and that I was wearing all black and wouldn't miss it for the world. Bear said that he was wearing all black, too. I was given permission to crash the wedding.

Much as I wanted to call the kids' dad, there was no way I'd be able to get him, even from a train station. He has issues with time. (There was the wedding he was in. I didn't know the couple but got there in a fair amount of time. He, the best man, missed the wedding. And there was the flight I missed... it's like my little brother's time issues, I swear!) I ran home after work to get Tommy, my trusted TomTom GPS, and to brush my teeth. Then it was off to Greenwich.

I was driving, I swear, the only Hyundai in town. When I got close to the Town Hall, I swished with Biotene and realized that there was no way I could spit it out the car door. (I have, incidentally, only done that once - on Racebrook Road in the middle of the night). Biotene is NOT meant to stay in one's mouth. UGH.

I missed the left turn into the Town Hall, and had to turn around. So scared I was going to be late! I saw a family coming in, and assumed that they were there for a wedding, too.

Bear was easy to spot. Along with the tattoos, he sported his Misfits shirt. So typical! So endearing. Hugged him, hugged David, spoke to the families. Bear pointed to the other family and said, "That's Beth."

Beth is Bear's sister. I was always afraid of her. If ANYONE was going to say that I was not good enough for her little brother, it would be Beth.

She looks amazing. Like me, she underwent gastric bypass. Despite the pains of aging, she is just ... she brought tears to my eyes.

His other sister, Lillian, was there. There were grandchildren whose names I forget. There were his nieces, Lillian Ruth and Jean. When Lillian Ruth was a baby, Bear would amuse himself by picking on her. Like I said, he's a bitch.

We gazed at him, at them, with such love.

The marriage license is the same as that for heterosexual couples. As it damn well should be.

The Justice of Peace is a lovely lady with white hair, who was in tears with joy over being able to legally marry Bear and David. She beamed with happiness. She also enjoyed looking at our tattoos; no one had ever let her look closely. I really hate to be touched, but what the hell, she was so thrilled to be where she was, and for men that I love, that I let her. Her husband has a Bachelor of Fine Arts, and I suggested that he look into tattooing as a potential career move.

They said their vows. I believe that they really will love each other forever.

The families were going to dinner. I didn't have any money, so I was heading home when Beth said that I was going and that was that. Like I said, she scared me. (Bear was shocked: "But she'd never do anything to hurt you!")

I sat with Beth at my right, and even though I was very uncomfortable because there were, you know, people there, I think I did OK. It was a nice meal with better people, since I love Bear's family. We missed Gramma Rose, but we knew she was there. (Bear has her cremains in a tupperware; I'm surprised that he didn't bring her along.) I'm amazed at how Jean and Lillian Ruth have grown into women, but I guess it happens. Beth remembered Bear announcing that he was going to marry me, so it wasn't my imagination. (Actually, since I wasn't there when he made his declaration, I'd found out about it from Gramma Rose.)

Lillian, along with me, is also a big fan of glitter. She had a glitter bedroom. She bought it in bulk. We love glitter.

Only David could have been so wonderful as to treat us to his own (and Bear's) wedding dinner. Only Bear can call me "Bad Jew!" after I tried to pay my share, and get away with it. (Yay for Paypal - HAHA ON YOU <3 )

I knew the night wasn't about me, but I did take a moment to ask Bear why men have treated me so shabbily recently. This is a man who said that he wanted, for his birthday, to go out with me in high heels and watch me fall down. (The night we walked along an icy street, he missed my falldowngoboom.) This is the man who tortured his little niece. He's mean for fun. Even he couldn't come up with a way that his gender's behavior could be my fault.

I had an hour drive home, and was emotionally exhausted from being allowed to be part of such an enormously wonderful day and from sitting in a room with strangers. I said my goodbyes, even though I didn't want to, and headed out.

And that's how I crashed my husband's wedding.

--
I want to believe that the world is just teeming with awesome people, but all of this is giving me great pause. I want to go back to cyberspace.
- Penelope Garcia, Criminal Minds
Episode: "House Afire"

premio dardos

Sun, 12 Apr 2009 19:10:08 GMT

From blog

My mom tagged me. Yes my mom blogs; yes my mom is cooler than yours.

Premio Dardos means “prize darts” in Italian and is awarded for recognition of cultural, ethical, literary and personal values in the form of creative and original writing. The rules are as follows:

Accept the award by pasting the graphic on your blog along with the name of the person who granted the award and a link to his/her blog.
Pass the award to another 15 blogs that are worthy of acknowledgment, remembering to contact each so they know they have been selected.

Thanks for your tag, Mom - you named a third of the blogs I'd use (well that would include Bev, who linked to you). Therefore, I'll do my best to come up with fifteen but am also going to have to link to the ones to whom I'd have linked if they weren't mutual friends. Many of the blogs I read are locked, and a few are too public to respond.

I am NOT fucking including Tweets. I cannot include MySpace blogs because I want people to look at these blogs, and MySpace isn't always the safest click. Besides, often, my friends' MySpace blogs are locked half the time, and the suggestion is to link to public blogs - the idea is to share really good writing.

Please do not leave comments telling me who I should have tagged. I am trying to keep "should" out of my vocabulary. If you don't like my choices, mine isn't the place to make "corrections."

Castlehom - my friend Shannon's dad - he's become my friend over the past few years
Cyberoutlaw's Hideout - his photography is superb, and his stories are creepy because they could be true. i HIGHLY recommend his noir collection Burning in the Heat, which I desperately need to review
Famous by proxy - Shannon's fiancee. She's crafty and cooky and kooky and funny and I like her
Lara - she will probably be posting more. She's one of my favorite people on the planet
Fallen Angel - the perfect example of biology not making a family. Politically, I disagree with half of what he says. Doesn't matter - he says it eloquently
Red Shoooes n Inky Fingers - full of crafty goodness! a lady I know from ~~a modification group comprised of some good people and a few shitheads~~ a lifestyle that's no longer part of my life but I love the crafts and we'll share ideas once I can figure out how to make my sewing machine stitches stay put
Scarybaldguy - another perfect example of biology not making a family. computer guru. dad. crazy cat man (as opposed to crazy cat lady). we have a movie snuggle date as soon as I can afford to move to Phoenix
Shannon Larratt is Zentastic - i'd known Shannon in ~~a modification group comprised of some good people and a few shitheads~~ a lifestyle that's no longer part of my life, but I'm glad he's still around
The First Church of Common Sense - she works with the downtrodden and describes the interoffice bullshit beautifully
Twelve 28 Tattoo - the blog of tattoo ARTIST Joy Rumore
WHaT WaS I THiNKiNG WHeN I SHuT MY MouTH? - OMG this is awesome. It's the archives of my friend Lianna's blog. I've known her since before I'd started stretching my earlobes. That's a long time. If you'd like to read the archives of a journalist who knows a bunch of psychotic people, this is it.

These are the blogs that won't follow along with the game, but which I feel are worth reading

PROTECT - the National Assoication to Protect Children
Chris Rose - Times-Picayune - NOLA.com - he wrote 1 Dead in Attic: After Katrina
The Consumerist
Food Driven - forget the ice cream truck; this is a CUPCAKE truck in New Haven and someday I'll read the blog with enough time to get to the day's location!
Geoff Fox - when he publishes his photography, you'll forget that he's our local meteorologist
White House.gov Blog Feed - I love that we live in such progressive times. The White House is almost as cool as my mom, blog-wise.

I'd also add the ones that my mom had also listed:

Zen and Chocolate - I wait for her email, saying that she's updated.
Cosmic’s Corner
fmd - my darling Quin, who is the mother of our son Taylor, the recipient of (why the hell would he want when he's on a Naval ship in the middle of nowhere) Ramen soup
The Purple Chai
Airy Persiflage

I've had it: fourth in a row

Tue, 10 Mar 2009 19:41:57 GMT

Remember when I almost married Sean? and then he suddenly stopped calling for absolutely no reason that I could fathom? This isn't the first time this happened to me, actually; my first boyfriend, and a few others over the years, did it too.

Sean, this time, led a string of four. In a row.

I don't date men unless we're friends first. Really, what's the point? You've got to talk about something when the sun rises... Friends don't just... end a relationship without saying why, do they?

Each time, there are plans to get together in the very near future. Then, no call, no return calls. No reply to emails. I try not to be overbearing, lowering it to a call a fortnight after the first few calls.

Just tell me what's wrong with me: I hate short hair. Your butt's too big. Your butt's too small. (Yeah right) I don't like your politics. I met someone I like better. SOMETHING.

Four men who'd never met each other, who did the exact same thing. I don't get it.

It's not like I can't keep friends. I've happily maintained relationships with my childhood friends, some for over thirty years. When, occasionally, a friendship does end on bad terms, I find that I make two friends immediately, like replacements, who wind up being awesome over the years (and, sometimes, decades).

Am I choosing the wrong men? or is there something wrong with me?

It's time for drastic measures. I'm calling Cindy's psychic, and maybe she can say if it's my choices or if I'm doing something wrong.

Mon, 09 Mar 2009 18:49:52 GMT

On Saturday, I sat out on my stoop and read for a few hours. The kids were out playing in the street. Hope for spring was in the air. Hell, I even took the tricycle out for a quarter mile. (It's still winter, but I wanted to get out for the first time this year.)

Yesterday, I had breakfast with Cindy and Ian :) and then pizza with Amy. She found this hole in the wall whose pizza tastes like Zuppardi's USED TO. I didn't realize how much I missed it. Anyway, as dinner ended, the rain began. And now...

There are reports of snow, on Facebook, about three miles from my house, WTF?

Phoenix with my brothers is looking better all the time.

I'd been out a few times with a really nice - REALLY nice - guy from OKCupid. We talked enough that he knew how many times I'd been cut off, after making plans for another date in the near future, with no final phone call. The last date had tentative plans for a movie. Now, I know that he's been chronically sick - there's no doubt about it - and he's had to cancel a few times because of it. His OKC profile was DELETED with no warning - but his Facebook is active. No reply to phone calls, but the phone is on and going to voicemail. My friends don't cut me off like this. I am, I thought, friends with the men I have dated. He is the fourth man in a row unless he's sick again - but if he's that sick, why was he on Facebook? He'd be so easy to stalk... sometimes I wish I were sixteen again so that mildly stalk-y behaviour would be OK again.

Another one bites the dust.

I started talking to another guy on OKC as he was building his profile. He seems really nice and invited me for dinner. It's about an hour by car, or a few hours by train including the subway. However, as the profile built, he added Casual Encounters. Men who like casual encounters are OK friends, but that's not a quality I like when I'm dating. Even if it doesn't mean ME - it's a mindset I don't like. I go into NY for the dinner anyway, IF it's possible for me, on the same day, to get something with Ricky <3while he's in the USA. (HOLY COW I wrote that Wikipedia entry!!)

My dad has a doctor appointment, just a follow up to an infection he had about a month ago. I suppose I should get my ass in gear. More eventually.

This, my friends, is why I vote.

Wed, 18 Feb 2009 19:08:09 GMT

I'd posted the hellish letter I wrote due to a manic episode caused by hellish treatment by the Department of Social Services. (Because I wrote at 2am to 5am, I totally got the wrong department, by the way.

A week went by. Yesterday, I had the lovely surprise of a call from Senator Gayle Slossberg's assistant, Maureen. She was calling in response to the letter, which had been cc'd to the Senator (and half the planet) regarding the abovementioned hell through which one suffers when one has to apply for State assistance.

I gave her a synopsis of what was in the letter, which she'd read. (She couldn't believe I wrote it in 22 minutes. I told her that it took 22 minutes to write, and two hours to make corrections, and to remove expletives.) I told her how Mr. Bucknall at the Department of Social Servicesset off a panic attack. OH: can I tell you: that Mr. Bucknall didn't even give me the right definition of a spenddown!! Say I have a $500 spenddown. My prescriptions won't count unless the pharmacy bills me. The medical bills on which I paid $10/week don't count. ONLY OUTSTANDING BILLS count. For this, I'm killing myself? I'd have a smaller spenddown if I'd just quit my job, but I really do need the routine. (Reading five chapters a day of any given book sounds to me like a better routine!)

AND the woman from the Senator's office empathized and said that their office does, indeed, give a damn. She asked HOW they can smooth the way for my June spenddown (they're every six months - calendar, so the six weeks I suffered the system didn't count toward the six months) and HOW they can help other people. I was amazed, impressed, and glad that this was the Senator for whom I voted.

I really do, again, realized that these people are overworked and that it's going to get worse With The Economy. That's no excuse for someone to take a packet (that was Mr. Statlender, the first guy before Bucknall) for twenty minutes and come back and say that everything's fine, and it wasn't (or he made mistakes) and I swear he took a coffee break and I told that to the Senator's office. I wouldn't be happy if the letters say You'll get a call within a week; when they say ...Within two days, and there's no call Within Two Days, I get pissed.

As it turned out, I had to again call my caseworker. While she never did return my calls on her voicemail, she also had no idea that she had my case. How nice of them to tell her.

I am getting, as I said, a whopping $14 in food assistance. That Mr. Statlender guy was supposed to tell me that I NEED TO ASK FOR THE CARD (which in itself seems stupid). So kind of him to tell me.

I wish that people like the Senator's assistant worked in DSS.

And yes, I sent a Thank You note to the Senator, for Maureen's personnel file.

Communication - Problems within State of Connecticut Department of Administrative Services

Sun, 08 Feb 2009 16:11:08 GMT

Sun, Feb 8, 2009 at 5:48 AM

“Most importantly, let us know how we can help you…we're DAS and we are at your service.“

-- Brenda L Sisco, Commissioner

State of Connecticut Department of Administrative Services

Ladies and Gentlemen:

To begin: I've been asking for questions to be answered; I have not been, nor am I, asking anyone to bend or break rules. I'm never sure if I'm asking for anything to which I am entitled, because no one has been able to answer, completely, the entitlement dates and rules.

I'm pleading with you to please read what I have to say. It shouldn't take long; it only took me 22 minutes to type.

I've been trying to get answers from the DAS since December 29, 2008. If I'm treated like a four year old - and responses to the tune of “Because I said so!” are not acceptable when someone's begging for medical assistance - and I'm intelligent, I've got to wonder how you're treating those who aren't as bright as I am. What about the people who are borderline in requiring an advocate, but who are straddling that borderline?

I'm not a difficult person when I'm treated reasonably. When I am NOT entitled to assistance, just tell me. I've been asking, begging for help in just getting an answer to this question. Please, when someone asks you a question, answer it; that's all I've been asking. I may not like the answer, but as least I've got an answer.

My November 2008 application requesting medical assistance was denied because I didn't provide enough information [receipts], and because I had not yet spent down my ROTH IRA [people requesting assistance aren't allowed to own money]. I don't begrudge this denial; I hadn't provided what you needed.

To receive medical assistance, I'd need to reapply. I was given a December 24, 2008 deadline.

I received a DENIAL letter. “We're missing information,” the letter said. What information? After several phone calls, I learned that DAS was missing everything. I'd resubmitted my application via US Mail on December 18. It allegedly didn't show up on anyone's desk until after the deadline I'd been given, of December 24. No one checked the postmark - “how do we know when you sent it?”

I had to redo the application. Third time, if you weren't keeping track.

Holding a pen REALLY hurts. Online, I found the application for families, but not the form for individuals. Mrs White, with whom I spoke regarding the receipt of the December application, relented and said that I could re-sign my December application when I came in in January. (December was, obviously, just about over.) She gave me an end-December date from which I should submit receipts, and told me to come in with my bank statements for the past three months.

On January 9, not trusting wherever your incoming US Mail might land, I physically brought in medical receipts for end-December and bank statements, along with a checklist. I was physically assigned to Mr. Statlender. After an argument - I raised my voice because he kept talking over me when I was speaking - he was gone with all my receipts and bank statements - and the checklist - for twenty minutes by my watch. He came back, smiled, and said that everything was set.

Saturday, January 24, 2009: Third Denial. This time, I was told, I'd need to do a spend-down, but I had no idea from what date the State needs the receipts, or which of my receipts - if any - were acceptable.

If the paperwork I'd brought on January 9 wasn't what DAS needed, why did Mr. Statlender say that everything was set? I'd handed him a complete checklist, in the interest of making easier the morning of whoever got my case. Did he do anything with my file during all that time he left me and told me to wait, or did he take a coffee break (it was 8:35 a.m.) and forget that I was there? You'll never tell me what happened, but I'm standing by my last comment of “personnel issue” (see attachment).

The paperwork I've received from the January 24 denial, onward, instructs calling “A Teta” if I have any questions. If I get voice mail, I'm supposed to get a call back “within two business days.” The first voicemail that I left [over the prior weekend] was for [intended] retrieval on January 26. I've left several messages, so it's not as though one got lost in the shuffle. Peter Bucknall told me that the reason he called was that I'd complained to my Representative, Paul Davis, and that communication from Representative Davis had “wound up” on his desk. I don't think he wants my file anymore. After he and I last spoke, I got more US mail telling me to call Angela Teta. You'll open this email on February 9 (or open snail-mail later). Ladies and gentlemen, I'm still waiting to hear from Ms. Teta. I wonder if anyone ever bothered to tell this poor lady that she's stuck with me...?

Now, I know that DAS is understaffed; I've physically been there. I know that it's only going to get worse in this economy and that an already bogged-down system is going to be hitting sludge, where it's going to become further impacted - and it's going to stink even worse than it already does. I've read Ms. Teta's 2004 statement to the Program Review and Investigation Committee about the problems with the cutbacks. I'm sorry that you're understaffed. I genuinely feel bad for Ms. Teta. However: If your offices can't handle a callback in two days, it shouldn't be policy. It makes an already constrained system even more frustrating to those it's supposed to help. It makes us feel ignored.

After calling and calling and FAXing and calling, I contacted my Representative. Representative Davis got someone - Mr. Bucknall - to call me back.

On February 5, I spent twenty-two minutes trying to get Mr. Bucknall to answer a single question: What happened to the receipts I gave Mr. Statlender? Of that time, I wasted nineteen minutes listening to “the spiel, I'm required to tell you” defining a spend-down. “Any questions?” he asked when he was done. “Yes, why didn't you answer my original question?” He did, ultimately, offer a partial response ... in the course of another phone call. One third of an hour wasted, because he's “required” to define a spend-down, when he could have listened to the question and replied, “I don't know, but I'll call you back.”

Anyway: Seems my December receipts weren't any good because we're now in the new calendar year. Mr. Bucknall never did me a reason for the change in instructions I'd received (and followed!) in December. Mr. Bucknall said that a letter had gone out to me the beginning of that week. (I received it February 6, 2009, meter-stamped February 5. And the DAS didn't look at MY postmark?)

I received a letter in the mail on February 7, telling me how much of the January medical bills (less than $300) were applied to my spend-down. Now, Mr. Bucknall told me that the December medical receipts weren't part of the 2009 spend-down, but that some of my bills for the three months prior to the application could be applied. He never said which bills. I'm still VERY confused that the receipts that I gave to Mr. Statlender couldn't go toward the spenddown because of the different calendar years, but that some of the 2008 bills - never specified - might be accepted. Even though they were never applied, anyway.

In the third application, I dropped off a few thousand dollars worth of receipts in January, from that short period of end-December 2008 through the beginning of the first week of 2009. Furthermore, I'd mailed several doctors' bills in that second application. The file had been located, so those bills were available for any authorized person in DAS to enter into a spreadsheet.

It doesn't look like any of those were part of the spend-down. US Mail metered on February 6 didn't include a printout of whatever was entered on the DAS-end, so I have no idea what you'll accept and what you won't. Or if, or whether, anything from 2008 is acceptable. AND if anything from 2008 was acceptable, was there a chance that those bills could have been applied to my third application, so that I wouldn't have had to go over everything again? (I still don't understand how the bills can't be applied to the spend down BUT MAYBE some of them could. I think I said that... I still don't understand.)

Why not? If I'm not entitled to help, fine - but why does DAS either give me instructions that change, or I talk to the wall, and to Livejournal, and to Facebook, and to MySpace, and no one can answer. It's one thing for an editor in Boston or a programmer in Phoenix not to have an answer; it's another, entirely, when DAS can't answer because the rules change within a day.

Feeling cheap, when asking for assistance, would have been a step up. Being forced to beg for someone to merely talk to me, after I already felt horrible for asking for assistance, was humiliating. I tried to explain this to Mr. Bucknall. He just continued his spend-down spiel - not a word to even say that he'd heard the sentence, let alone some sort of real or false empathy.

You know, it was hard for me to ask for medical assistance through the State. I've been working since I was old enough. I never worked “off the books” because I honestly think that fair taxes will help to keep my State healthy. I've been contributing to the State income tax since its inception. When the economy was good, I was more of a consumer but, even now, I try to shop locally to keep my money here. Nonetheless, I didn't want to ask for help. I know there's no shame in needing help - but I'd always thought, “I'm glad it's there for the people who need it, but it'll never be ME.”

I decided to see what was available after speaking to a drug addict in recovery, on probation, who's not only getting full medical but who also has an entire mouth full of implants from when his teeth rotted. Courtesy of the State. I haven't been to a dentist since January 6, 1999. The gentleman in question is a nice man, don't get me wrong - but not only was he getting better care than I was, while I was paying taxes, but he hadn't been contributing to the State during the years he'd been incarcerated.

Ultimately, as per my discussion with Mr. Bucknall - and after gathering and faxing another $2000 in valid medical bills from January 1, 2009 to February 5, 2009 (I accrued another $1200 on February 6 - half my prescriptions for a month) - I have been approved as of February 5, 2009.

I have to go through the whole procedure again in June.

For my next spenddown (SEE, I know what a spend down is!! I've done one! Yippee!), will DAS accept all the bills from this half-year, the ones that aren't covered? I don't think that any of my doctors take whatever insurance is available from the State. I'll be happy to get the prescription coverage ($2500/month when I can afford the prescriptions) but I'll be paying my doctors $10/week for the rest of my life.

IF SSDI ever grants my hearing request, WITH the money for which I believe I am eligible AND my reduced wages COMBINED, I'll still be making a third less than I made when I was healthy, fifteen years ago.

The Denial letters' partial contents are horribly merged. When data is entered by a DAS worker, I can't see why the reason for denial isn't in a checklist for the DAS worker to click, which should then be merged into the body of the letter. If we were dealing with Microsoft Word, I'd do it for you. As it is, I'm sure that, of everyone on this distribution, at least one of you has a kid who learned how to do a database in High School. If State funds are that tight, bring in someone's kid to do it. Alternately: as you know, I'm posting this to Livejournal (public), MySpace (friends-only), and Facebook (friends-only, but with several Connecticut communities, to whom I may cross-post). I'm sure someone can do what needs to be done.

If you need someone to set up a spend-down form in Excel, that I can do for you.

By the way: Based on a medical Functional Capacity evaluation - chronic pain is currently diagnosed as fibromyalgia - and a bipolar diagnosis, my hours at work have been cut to 17/week. My weekly net is $###;
gross is $###. My SSDI hearing has been pending since June, 2007. I'm eligible for $14/month in State food assistance.

This process is wearing me out. I'm very tempted to succumb to my health and to legitimately stop working entirely; if I don't have an income, I won't have to do a spend-down in June. Of course, that would cost the State more, because I bet I'd be eligible for supplemental assistance and more than $14 worth of food stamps... but I wouldn't need to use my prescriptions as prescribed, because I have them to lessen pain enough to go to work. (NOT opiates!) I can't work without them, but if I'm not working, it would cost the State a bit less, and if the State isn't making me cry, I'll not need medication for panic attacks... do we have a win-win?

I'm attaching the FAX I sent to Mr. Bucknall on Friday. In slightly more depth (only two pages), I discuss some of the problems I've encountered, that I've also discussed here. I apologize - there are some typographical errors.

I had a panic attack while talking to Mr. Bucknall - and couldn't afford the medication to take care of it. I think he got angry.

Do you have health care coverage? Mr. Bucknall got upset when I asked, and said it was an inappropriate question. I don't think it is: he - and now you - have access to my file (or, in the case of recipients who don't work for the State of Connecticut, some information and my case number) so you know my status. Do you know how it feels to be us, the people who come to you every day? I'm sure that some people think they're entitled to everything. On the other hand, I'm very sure that there are people who are far sicker than I am, who have to jump through even more hoops. Do you know how exhausting this is for someone who's sick? Do you realize what this is doing to us, emotionally? I'm not sure how people can be hired to deal with the public in this intimate manner, and not be able to empathize.

For the last time: I'm asking that my questions be answered, even if you've got to break it to me that I'm not eligible for something. (Heck, look at the food assistance, in which I'm barely eligible, according to the State. I got a response.) Keep in mind that I'm intelligent (and bipolar, and The System has me feeling VERY manic!), and I wonder if my experience is isolated, or if there are other clients who are treated just as poorly, who are NOT able to stand up for themselves.

Please, respond to my frustration in not getting a complete reason for a denial. Consider if it would be more cost-effective, for the State, if the reasons for denial came up in your mail merges, or is it easier for you to have to deal with my multiple calls pleading for an answer, and then needing a Representative to intervene, for someone to respond to messages going back ten days? and then the 22 minute call and the 90+ minute call from Mr. Bucknall?

Please have someone respond in something other than an obvious form letter. I recognize them.

I shouldn't need to scream for someone at the State level to hear me; I also shouldn't be sick. ARE the two supposed to go hand-in-hand?

Respectfully submitted, [me]

To: Connecticut Commissioner, Department of Administrative Services Brenda L. Sisco

Connecticut Representatives :

Connecticut State Representative Paul Davis
Connecticut State Senator Gayle Slossberg

Connecticut - US Senator Joseph Lieberman via US MAIL:
One Constitution Plaza
7th Floor
Hartford, CT 06103

---- Connecticut Health Care Advocate Kevin Lembo

Considered for the position of Secretary of Health and Human Services :

Howard Dean
Via US MAIL:
Democratic National Committee
430 S. Capitol St. SE
Washington, DC 20003

Governor Kathleen Sebelius, Kansas
via US MAIL:
Office of the Governor, Capitol
300 SW 10th Ave., Ste. 212S

Topeka, KS 66612-1590

cc:

Representative, Connecticut Department of Social Services Peter Bucknall
Connecticut Department of Social Services Angela Teta

Posted: Livejournal, MySpace, Facebook - names left intact but email links disabled in the interest of avoiding harvest bots; also, in the interest of disclosure, note that I've removed my address and the pathetic dollar amounts that I make.

[I took 22 minutes to type this email, although I haven't covered everything, because that's how many minutes were wasted on my cell phone, listening to the definition of “spend-down,” which I'd already said I understood. I was trying to get one question answered. This email, therefore, covers everything I could have asked if my time - and the State's - hadn't been wasted. However, you can also note that I've been writing this in my head for three days.]

The spiral of our lives - Katherine O'Neal Gear and W. Michael Gear

Sun, 25 Jan 2009 19:11:47 GMT

This really disturbs me.

I've been reading the Gear/O'Neal books for the past year; I've read all but the most recent First North American books (waiting for a good price for a used People of the Weeping Eye and People of the Thunder). I'm currently reading their Anasazi Mysteries, about a serial killer during the period around 1130AD.

Kathleen O'Neal Gear...worked for the United States Department of the Interior as the Wyoming State Historian, and later as the Archaeologist for Wyoming, Kansas and Nebraska. She has twice been the recipient of the federal government's "Special Achievement Award" for outstanding management of our nation's cultural heritage.

W. Michael Gear...Michael graduated from Fort Collins High School in 1972 and pursued both his Bachelor's (1976) and Master's (1979) degrees at Colorado State University. Upon completion of his Master's - his specialty was in physical anthropology - he went to work for Western Wyoming College in Rock Springs as a field archaeologist.

Theirs aren't just fiction; theirs are fiction based on the authors' education.

The prequel of The Summoning God has haunted me since I read it, and will probably haunt me forever. Maybe it's bitchy of me to post it, but I figure that someone else will get something out of it...?

Around A.D. 1130 the climate began to change. In Europe it would become known as The Little Ice Age, but the Anasazi knew only that a new drought had begun. Not in their wildest imaginations could they have guessed that the period of deep cold and reduced rainfall would last for more than three hundred years. The count of tree pollen in the archaeological record drops dramatically during this period - meaning they cut down every tree they could find to clear fields for crops, to build their homes, cook their food, fire their pottery, light their kivas, and keep warm during the bitter winters. When the trees ran out and the soil became depleted, they imported many of the basic items of their lives - wood, pottery, food, and animal hides. But, in the end, not even that would save them.
To understand what was happening to the Anasazi, we need to look no further than our own lives. Since the arrival of Europeans in North American we have cut down 90 percent of our forests. Most of the wood we use to build our houses comes from forests hundreds of miles away. We import a great deal of our meat, fruits, and vegetables, often from distances like South America and Hawaii. Much of the oil that fuels our automobiles and heats our homes is shipped from the Middle East. Why? Because we, too, have over-utilized our resources and are now relying upon trade to provide us with many of our most basic needs. But the parallels to our own time do not end there.
In 1900, 80 percent of the people in the United States lived in rural areas. Today, 80 percent live in cities. In the 1200's, as the shortages grew and the climate deteriorated, the Anasazi abandoned their small towns and moved to large pueblos. Let us make this point clearly, before A.D. 1150 there were hundreds of Anasazi settlements, small and large, scattered across the Colorado Plateau. By A.D. 1400, there were three: the Hopi villages in Arizona, and the villages of the Zuni, and Acoma, in New Mexico. The rest of the traditional Anasazi homeland was a vast no-man's-land.
How could such a thriving and sophisticated culture be reduced to a mere handful of survivors? Despite the romantic image that the Puebloan peoples were peaceful farmers, we have abundant archaeological evidence to demonstrate that during the thirteenth century the Anasazi were engaged in brutal annihilation-oriented warfare. Massacres, scalping, slavery, torture, and even cannibalism occurred.
The vicious cycle that led to the rise and fall of their civilization has become clear as a result of excavation of hundreds of their towns: the rise began with a warm wet climatic episode that resulted in a period of affluence and scientific achievement. With the affluence came swift population growth. In the process of feeding their people, they exhausted the soil, cut down the trees, over-hunted the animals. Then the climate changed. When their crops wouldn't grow, they expanded their trade routes. When their trade routes were cut, they turned to warfare to keep them open. When they couldn't keep them open, they took what they needed from their closest neighbors. They must have fought to protect their homes from their victims' wrath, then the fight became a struggle to stay alive.
We leave it up to you to decide where in that cycle our modern civilization stands, but several things are clear: we've over-utilized our resources, the climate is changing, and we've already begun to "fight."

new pic

Sat, 24 Jan 2009 19:46:35 GMT

Hey,

I don't really feel like posting - the kids' biomom sent me the most vitriol-filled email I may have ever received. The kids took my side but it really really hurt. I hope she gets a new shrink soon.

However, I did say that I'd be wearing red, white, and blue for the first time [except when I worked for Red Cross in September '01 and January '02] in eight years. I had fun getting ready; I even put 1/2" plugs with stars into my ears.

The United States has been the most amazing country to me, and I'd always stand by her. It wasn't fun to have to stand by her, fearing that our "fearless leader" might make a fool of us along the way.

I'm not psychic, but I sure have hope.

And smudged eyeliner. The Inauguration did what a vicious Social Security meeting did not: it messed up my M.A.C.