I went to the funeral. My dad was in daycare, and my mom stayed home because someone has to be there to open the door to let him in when he gets out. (He can't be left home alone.) Because my family is Orthodox, out of respect I wore long sleeves to cover my tattoos. It was a gorgeous, sunny day, and I was uncomfortable, but I figure that his parents were way more miserable, and I survived.
Larry and I had drifted apart, but we used to stay in touch by phone. His parents and brother, my cousin Jon, made sure to tell me that Larry loved me.
Before the service, I knelt in front of my cousin, Tami, Larry's mom. She was surrounded by people, but I hoped I could add comfort. I managed to distract her: my dad was orphaned very early (infant?) and Tami is the one who told me my medical history. I got to tell her that, when I was in the hospital in May, I told the doctors that I wouldn't be able to be so thorough if it weren't for my cousin Tami. That made her happy.
Her husband, Ed, Larry's dad, whom I'd met three times, maybe, threw his arms around me and thanked me for being there. Ed has a knack for making people feel good, and welcomed, even when he was mourning outliving his child.
The rabbi broke down during the eulogy. I didn't know that Larry was frum, but he was known as "the one who took his father to Chabad."
At least fifty people showed up - not bad considering that Jewish people bury immediately, and word has to get out quickly. Jon's wife flew in from Israel, a twelve hour flight, and made it to the grave side early. Her cousin made it from California.
I went back to the house for shiva. Believe me: I didn't want to. I don't want to believe that my vibrant cousin is dead. However, shiva is for the family, and it's a mitzvah to go, obviously. Tami and I talked more about my medical problems, but she wouldn't let go of my hand. It really hurt, but I figure that Tami was hurting more. Seriously, I managed to distract her, and I was glad I sat there.
Tami also told me more about my heritage, too. The information I lost out on because I didn't have a grandmother to tell me.
I talked to Revi, Jon's wife, for a bit. I told her what I was thinking as I drove to the Bellins' home. The only people who showed up for the funeral were people who either loved Larry, or who loved his family and wanted to support them. No one needed a ticket to mourn. There were no musicians or people looking for a moment in the spotlight; Larry was simply eulogized by a rabbi who knew him, and by his father. Just a thought.
I'm still crying - it's the first time in a long time that I've cried, whether I need to or not - and I need to get in the shower - but I wanted to write about Larry for a little bit. This weekend, if my dad is lucid, I'll take him for shiva.
Bye, Larry. I should have kept in touch, and I'll try to act more like you to keep your memory alive.
- Music:none
- By some lucky coincidence, a very nice Social Security lawyer just took my case.
- Until one of my sister's friends directed me to her blog, I had no idea that my dad's favorite dinner is spaghetti and meatballs. (I thought it was meatloaf; my TVP loaf tanked. but whatever) Unknown to me, I made a vegan marinara sauce with texturized vegetable protein chunks and he was VERY happy. Who knew?
- I'm mostly packed to see Sworn Enemy on Thursday and Friday. Basically, I need camera and batteries, GPS, power bars, and clean underwear. I pack light. (Floyd the Laptop's sitting out this one.)
- I am very pissed that this entry shall now be cut short because my fingers ache from typing "so much."
- Good luck with Christian C's surgery!
| Currently reading: In This Way I Was Saved: A Novel By Brian DeLeeuw |
- I actually went out saturday night
- the bar fight wasn't my fault. i fucking got elbowed in the face and don't appreciate the bitch in front of me insisting that i was starting drama when i began with "excuse me, but..."
- saw someone who made me sad. i guess therapy worked; i quietly excused myself from my friends and walked out into the mist. (the mile long stroll home only took 17min. my speed's down but i did have blisters)
- guess who didn't call her father on father's day.
- $15 jeans rock even if they're generics
- saw my babygirl today. made her a ringtone for my phone. she reminds me a lot of my sista
- thursday: pro-pain & sworn enemy at the webster
- thursday night: priceline rocks
- friday night: pro-pain & sworn enemy at the palladium
- my pam may join me at the palladium!!!
Before reading, please keep in mind: "Cristina" was the 437th most common name out of 4275, according to the United States Census Bureau. I could be talking about ANY Cristina, here.
I was friends with a woman named Cristina before she went ballistic. She then [in a HIPAA violation] contacted the biological sister with whom I have not spoken since the summer of 2001 (because she took the side of her husband, who stole from my parents' retirement money). *S*, the bio-sister, claims to be brilliant but she's stupid if she thinks that that conversation stayed private and that it didn't make its rounds in cyberspace!.
Unfortunately, I cannot drop this: Cristina has also contacted some of our two dozen or so mutual friends and, it seems, says that I threatened them/you. If you have heard from her, would you please let me know.
For the record:
I have never been required to go to therapy for a job, nor has my family ever required me to go to therapy. My insurance hasn't covered my therapists; I've paid out of pocket. THEREFORE despite what *S* has said:
- I don't lie to my therapists; what's the point if it's only for my treatment?
- If I don't like what a therapist says, I'll argue and either concede or dissent. I don't switch shrinks. (I *DID* switch about 18 months ago; I didn't like that the doctor said my pain is "dramatic." The most recent doctor believes that chronic pain is actually a big part of why I've got depression.)
- I do not "scare away" *S*'s friends; her husband has. Hell, the only one of our old mutual friends with whom I don't speak is one who shit-talked *S* (and I went to her defense like an idiot).
- Despite what she has blogged, she never had to suffer because my mom said that she had to give in to me. (it was the other way around; she was the good kid. However, I got over it.) She must worship Jan Brady.
- If I hear one more time that *S* doesn't have clinical depression, that she doesn't need serious treatment, that her problem is that she's psychic and picking up other people's bad vibes, I'll scream like I haven't screamed since I got into therapy.
- *S* has no business putting my dad's problems up for sympathy. She didn't visit him the last three times he was in the hospital. "Oh, I could run into Rebekah" (when I was in Los Angeles for three days of the month he was in post-illness care). "Oh, I'm sick and subject to MRSAs." (So am I, and so am I.) It's not a contest. She should be there, though, if *S*'s going to use him as an excuse. (She does that a lot. She skipped her homework one night, but then told half the school how she couldn't do it because I was dramatically ill. Yeah, I WAS dramatically ill, but she'd already skipped the homework and gone to bed. She's also quoted "Go Ask Alice" with me being the protagonist.)
This is why I chose JENNIFER to be my sister. She's blunt and sometimes crude, but she does not lie. Fuck sisterly DNA.
(our poor mom)
after much coaxing and whining on my part, i talked everyone into putting my dad in respite care for the weekend. i just couldn't worry about two parents. mom IS an easy patient, but what if there were complications? besides, think of my bipolar! :D it means i have to get up early tomorrow, to sign him out of respite and into daycare, before work, but having a break tonight was good. no pill dispensing, no dinner delivery service. and since we could leave the house without worrying about my dad getting hurt, on sunday, i took my mom and aunt to visit my cousins in farmington. it was an awesome, though tiring day.
btw: my mom and brother, and uncle and cousin (but not i, nor my aunt marcia) have a condition called HHT or Osler-Weber-Rendu Syndrome. it's inherited, and it affects the blood vessels "A person with HHT has a tendency to form blood vessels that lack the capillaries between an artery and vein. " (it's not a "blood disease" - it only affects the blood because the weakened vessels break, and aforementioned blood leaks out.) "We usually call a blood vessel that is abnormal in this way a telangiectasia (tel-AN-jee-eck-TAZE-ee-ya)" - that's from the web site. i always forget the word and cite "mom's televisions in her nose." i confuse everyone but my mom, and it's my mom who needs to know what i'm talking about, so...
all went well. we arrived at the hospital before even the valet parkers! and they took her very early. the nurses and anesthesiologists were really good about explaining. mom's doctor, dr ross (not the one from ER) stopped in to talk to both of us before they took her away. they gave me a beeper "like chili's" to let me know when she'd be done, especially since i had to leave the hospital grounds to smoke. (it's fine with me; it's a hospital. i went to the street, which isn't owned by the hospital. i also picked up my butts. you wouldn't believe how many butts there were on grounds covered with NO SMOKING signs every few feet. well, MINE are in the trash.)
dr ross didn't even page me; he came right into the lobby, his hair still in its "shower" cap. it was only an hour after they took her. (surgery was scheduled to take 1.25hr) everything went well. he lasered a bunch of those television things in my mom's nose, and she should be good for six months to a year. she was in recovery, waking up. he sent me out to smoke while i waited. i would have emailed and updated my, and her, Crackbook pages, but my laptop cable shit the bed right before i packed it, and my battery had died.
they paged me after i'd been back inside for a while, and i went into recovery. mom was drinking diet coke and was pretty happy, it seemed. she was more rested than i was! - she got to nap :D we were home well before noon, with no traffic.
i had more problems with the pharmacy (they didn't have the exact medication on the slip, and the hospital didn't call them back about a substitute - it's just an antibiotic cream and not pain meds, thank goodness) and the self-check for my groceries (hand scanner wasn't working, and i wound up going to an aisle with a person, and then holding up the whole damned aisle while i tried to unpack and walk out but kept being told "just a second" totally pissing off everyone behind me) than i did with getting my mom to the hospital at an ungodly hour. really. it was quite simple from this end.
mom has royal palace - i loaded up the fridge last night so we'd have soup and i wouldn't have to cook - and happily watched NCIS
my brother and i had been in touch all morning, and i called aunt marcia as soon as my mom was out of the OR. i'm still a bit annoyed that i couldn't let the immediate world know what's up, but well, laptop...
dr ross said that mom can come back in six weeks if she wants or if there's a problem, but otherwise there's no need to follow up. one nurse said that they have a patient who comes from massachusetts just to go to dr ross. i will definitely say that he was very personable, and very kind to come looking for me. (i kept ignoring the beeper because it didn't vibrate like my old 1990s pager and i was listening to garth brooks and then alice cooper on my sony walkman) i napped when i got home, awakening to a nightmare that i'd missed the beeper and that old lady candystripers were looking for me in the lobby.
my biggest worry right now is not my mom, but that i'd started making a kelly clarkson ringtone for my cousin anna, and i can't access it because my laptop won't boot. (there's a hack for getting free ringtones onto one's razr. i need to find it; it's on lifehacker i think. paying retail is just wrong.)
--
I want to believe that the world is just teeming with awesome people, but all of this is giving me great pause. I want to go back to cyberspace.
- Penelope Garcia, Criminal Minds
Episode: "House Afire"
I refilled my cup and went out with a bit of hand sewing and Metallica on the Sony Walkman. I wasn't out for fifteen minutes before Michael came up on his two wheel bike, followed by his sister Melissa. I swear, they were there for a good three-four hours; Michael went home for popsicles, and their mother came over when I asked Michael where he picked up some of his new vocabulary (first graders shouldn't be talking about humping) and Melissa thought it was so funny that she called their mom. My stoop is officially open for business!
My left hand is killing me now, probably from holding the fabric steady. I only got about a dozen inches sewn, but it's looking ok. (Yes, Dee, I'll post the finished product.) It seems too small to make it worth pulling out my machine, which isn't set up in a permanent place yet.
Yesterday rocked. My mom and I got our nails filled. I am not sure why Ness finds it so amusing, since I've only had acrylic nails for a few years, but whatever makes my Pam happy... anyway. ahem.
Then it was an Afternoon with Ian and Cindy, going through old photos, gossiping about boys, watching Ian play, having a lovely vegetarian polenta and spinach lunch, and then raiding Cindy's closet for her fat clothes (many of the ones I took are, alas, snug). Ten minutes at Joann's Fabrics waiting for some blue tulle to be cut, and out the door $1.87 later. The only thing that sucked was losing WQUN and, therefore, the Red Sox game!
Sam posted a piercing emergency on Crackbook, so at 9:30pm I was off to the rescue, grabbing a bottle of ibuprofen at Walgreens en route. Five seconds in the house turned into an hour and I only left because I was dying without my 10:00pm Lyrica. I didn't see Rich (across the street from Sam)'s car, although there were cars in front of his house, so I just went home and crashed. Being nice to people, even my friends, is EXHAUSTING!
My skin is sticking to itself and freaking me out. Now for a shower, an ice pack for my wrist, and another book.
My mom has been on my ass to write this since March 12, 2009, the day it happened. She actually started on me when I walked through the door.
Where do I begin? EXE? Dirk?
I read about the wedding on Facebook.( Read more... )
And that's how I crashed my husband's wedding.
--
I want to believe that the world is just teeming with awesome people, but all of this is giving me great pause. I want to go back to cyberspace.
- Penelope Garcia, Criminal Minds
Episode: "House Afire"
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| From blog |
Premio Dardos means “prize darts” in Italian and is awarded for recognition of cultural, ethical, literary and personal values in the form of creative and original writing. The rules are as follows:
- Accept the award by pasting the graphic on your blog along with the name of the person who granted the award and a link to his/her blog.
- Pass the award to another 15 blogs that are worthy of acknowledgment, remembering to contact each so they know they have been selected.
I am NOT fucking including Tweets. I cannot include MySpace blogs because I want people to look at these blogs, and MySpace isn't always the safest click. Besides, often, my friends' MySpace blogs are locked half the time, and the suggestion is to link to public blogs - the idea is to share really good writing.
Please do not leave comments telling me who I should have tagged. I am trying to keep "should" out of my vocabulary. If you don't like my choices, mine isn't the place to make "corrections."
- Castlehom - my friend Shannon's dad - he's become my friend over the past few years
- Cyberoutlaw's Hideout - his photography is superb, and his stories are creepy because they could be true. i HIGHLY recommend his noir collection Burning in the Heat, which I desperately need to review
- Famous by proxy - Shannon's fiancee. She's crafty and cooky and kooky and funny and I like her
- Lara - she will probably be posting more. She's one of my favorite people on the planet
- Fallen Angel - the perfect example of biology not making a family. Politically, I disagree with half of what he says. Doesn't matter - he says it eloquently
- Red Shoooes n Inky Fingers - full of crafty goodness! a lady I know from
a modification group comprised of some good people and a few shitheadsa lifestyle that's no longer part of my life but I love the crafts and we'll share ideas once I can figure out how to make my sewing machine stitches stay put - Scarybaldguy - another perfect example of biology not making a family. computer guru. dad. crazy cat man (as opposed to crazy cat lady). we have a movie snuggle date as soon as I can afford to move to Phoenix
- Shannon Larratt is Zentastic - i'd known Shannon in
a modification group comprised of some good people and a few shitheadsa lifestyle that's no longer part of my life, but I'm glad he's still around - The First Church of Common Sense - she works with the downtrodden and describes the interoffice bullshit beautifully
- Twelve 28 Tattoo - the blog of tattoo ARTIST Joy Rumore
- WHaT WaS I THiNKiNG WHeN I SHuT MY MouTH? - OMG this is awesome. It's the archives of my friend Lianna's blog. I've known her since before I'd started stretching my earlobes. That's a long time. If you'd like to read the archives of a journalist who knows a bunch of psychotic people, this is it.
- PROTECT - the National Assoication to Protect Children
- Chris Rose - Times-Picayune - NOLA.com - he wrote 1 Dead in Attic: After Katrina
- The Consumerist
- Food Driven - forget the ice cream truck; this is a CUPCAKE truck in New Haven and someday I'll read the blog with enough time to get to the day's location!
- Geoff Fox - when he publishes his photography, you'll forget that he's our local meteorologist
- White House.gov Blog Feed - I love that we live in such progressive times. The White House is almost as cool as my mom, blog-wise.
- Zen and Chocolate - I wait for her email, saying that she's updated.
- Cosmic’s Corner
- fmd - my darling Quin, who is the mother of our son Taylor, the recipient of (why the hell would he want when he's on a Naval ship in the middle of nowhere) Ramen soup
- The Purple Chai
- Airy Persiflage
Remember when I almost married Sean? and then he suddenly stopped calling for absolutely no reason that I could fathom? This isn't the first time this happened to me, actually; my first boyfriend, and a few others over the years, did it too.
Sean, this time, led a string of four. In a row.
I don't date men unless we're friends first. Really, what's the point? You've got to talk about something when the sun rises... Friends don't just... end a relationship without saying why, do they?
Each time, there are plans to get together in the very near future. Then, no call, no return calls. No reply to emails. I try not to be overbearing, lowering it to a call a fortnight after the first few calls.
Just tell me what's wrong with me: I hate short hair. Your butt's too big. Your butt's too small. (Yeah right) I don't like your politics. I met someone I like better. SOMETHING.
Four men who'd never met each other, who did the exact same thing. I don't get it.
It's not like I can't keep friends. I've happily maintained relationships with my childhood friends, some for over thirty years. When, occasionally, a friendship does end on bad terms, I find that I make two friends immediately, like replacements, who wind up being awesome over the years (and, sometimes, decades).
Am I choosing the wrong men? or is there something wrong with me?
It's time for drastic measures. I'm calling Cindy's psychic, and maybe she can say if it's my choices or if I'm doing something wrong.
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